a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
