My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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