wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
