shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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