The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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