Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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