dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
