she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
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can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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