i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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