Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
