Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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