i wish starbucks made bloody marys
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
