I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
