All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
