did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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