walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
is that a dick in a sweater?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
