So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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