I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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