I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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