My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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