I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
