You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
