Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
