My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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