Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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