Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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