Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
