he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
