When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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