That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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