I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
