I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
