just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
