Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
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