Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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