We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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