Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
