Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
