Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
