If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
