my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
