My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
