he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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