There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
