I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
