i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
