i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
