i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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