Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
