How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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