Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
