he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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