we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
