im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
