I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
