Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
